i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There's always time for handjobs
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
