At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
