Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
