So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
