We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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