You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
