i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
