Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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