I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
