I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
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Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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