My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
