smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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