Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
