i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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