So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
