I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
