im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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