theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
