One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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