Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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