How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
