Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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