So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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