He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
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