obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
