I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She bit a glass in half.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Semen is not good for contacts.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
