apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
