i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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