and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
