youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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