someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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