I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
