i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
