is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
