We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
