By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
