Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
