you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
