I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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