my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
