Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
