This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
