I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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