I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
