I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
