shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
