if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
