I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
