two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
