if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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