broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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