I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
