There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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