My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
