It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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