taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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