I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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