dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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