Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
