Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
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dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
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no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Never underestimate the power of titties
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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