Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
